What is it about saying goodbye to people that makes it such a difficult task? For many individuals, the courage and willpower necessary to truly walk away from a relationship often takes numerous attempts. Even when we have come to the conclusion that the person is no longer healthy for us, we are so resistant to let someone go. Change can be scary, but when we are engaging in a partnership that is clearly dysfunctional, what is it exactly that we are afraid of? Here’s a little secret: It’s not about the other person, it’s more about us and what we expected that person to become; the voids we dreamed for them to fill and the hopes we had for them in our future. Everyone has an innate desire to be accepted, whether they admit it or not. A breakup can almost feel like an insult – and sometimes we get caught up in proving that we are worthy enough, instead of moving forward.

We create all these crazy ideals for people after they come into our lives. Suddenly we have expectations for human beings to fulfill which, more often than not, leads to disappointment. Human beings are unpredictable; every new relationship is a gamble. Just like you’re not going to get dealt a good hand every time you play poker, you won’t get dealt a good hand every time you engage in a new relationship. We don’t just allow people to evolve into what they are. We find ourselves trying to mold them into what we want them to be. It’s kind of egotistical when you stop and think about it, but we have all been guilty of this at one time or another. I jokingly told a girlfriend of mine the other evening that dating is not real life “Build A Bear,” although that would be convenient. Many of us desperately hold onto the notion that people can change. I think while change is possible, there is a caveat: THEY have to want to. I have learned to follow one simple rule when it comes to promises: trust actions not words.

Letting someone go means having to let go of the dream of what we wanted them to be. In actuality, the person you are severing ties with is very different than the person you had imagined. Let’s be honest with ourselves, if they fit so perfectly into our lives we would not be saying goodbye. Sometimes we just do not want to see people for what they actually are, particularly when we have invested time and energy into them. I’m not saying that a failed relationship means that person is “bad,” but they are simply not right for us. It’s essentially admitting we were wrong about that person and no one likes being wrong.

How do we make breakups less painful on ourselves? The more whole we are as individuals the less we “need” people, hence the less scary it is to say goodbye. Needing and wanting people are two very different things. We cannot rely on others to fix us or change our lives for the better; we must help ourselves. The best way to feel fulfilled on your own is to find things that you are passionate about; know what makes you tick so you have a sense of purpose regardless of other people. Partners shouldn’t complete us, they should simply make our lives more enjoyable and encourage us to be our best selves. The people we choose to surround ourselves with should enhance our lives, rather than serve as security blankets.

I recently had a necklace made with the phrase “Let It Be” on it. These three words are extremely difficult to adapt to, especially for those who like to be in control. I believe there is a delicate balance between being in control of our own destiny and letting fate take its course. The realization that we cannot control everything is liberating. Sometimes we have to relinquish power. If we stop deciding how people are going to fit into our lives and let them show us on their own, we won’t suffer as many let downs. In turn, whoever is meant to continue on our journey becomes less of a decision we agonize over and more of an organic development.

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” Steve Maraboli