Most people do not want to be thought of as a selfish person. I used to consider this word to be one of the most insulting adjectives you could be described as. I thought it was synonymous with being an unkind human being, which is not the legacy I hope to create for myself. The word certainly carries a negative connotation. If you look up the definition in the dictionary, you’ll read something along the lines of, “Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.” I would argue, however, that there are times when being selfish is essential to one’s self-development. I would also argue that there is a way to be selfish without disregarding the feelings of other people. Doing the right thing for yourself, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing the wrong thing for other people.  Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing, on the contrary, it is undoubtedly the best way to grow and become your most genuine self. The byproduct of selfishness is not exclusively advantageous to oneself; exploration of your own passions and desires leads to authenticity, and your subsequent relationships (both platonic and romantic) benefit from this as well.

This morning I was looking through old photos and the thought struck me like a ton of bricks: I have changed drastically throughout my 20’s. Sure, my personality traits that make me who I am are still intact (I think the stubbornness is here to stay, thanks Dad) – however, as each year has passed, it seems I’ve learned a little more about what fulfills me as a human being. In my early 20’s, life in the NYC was about collecting a paycheck during the week to go blow it at the bar all weekend. This was fun and how I enjoyed spending my time for a good while. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that this type of lifestyle became monotonous and disenchantment ensued. I started to really learn more about myself and what makes me tick when I went through a breakup and moved out on my own. The last three years of living alone has really shaped the person I am evolving into today. That begs the question, would I be so in tune with myself if I never experienced the ability to be selfish during some of my most fundamental years?

Everyone develops at different rates. Both my siblings met their spouses in their early 20’s and are happily married. My parents met in college and have the type of relationship I hope to emulate in the future. I do not believe there is a cookie cutter timeline for how individuals should lead their lives, because we all progress differently. Unfortunately, I’ve seen firsthand, people that feel a sense of societal pressure to settle down and do things the “conventional” way. I even have friends who put age limits on things like marriage, buying a house, having children etc. I think this is an extremely unhealthy way to live your life and ultimately a good way to end up settling for things that are not necessarily right for you.

One of the best things about being single is the ability to be selfish. I jokingly say the greatest thing about living alone is always having control of the remote and knowing I get the best seat on the couch. Aside from these small pleasures, there are a lot of other benefits to flying solo. Every morning you wake up and aside from your responsibilities, the day is yours for the taking. You get to literally make every decision for yourself and how you spend your free time. How many times have you been in a relationship where you go to a work function, sporting event, or party to appease your partner? It may not be your first choice, but it’s part of being in a relationship. Being single means being exclusively responsible for your entire calendar. It’s both liberating, and also the best time in your life to learn what brings you real fulfillment. In a sense, it’s a time to be selfish without having to explain yourself, or feel like you are doing something wrong. I believe in honesty. So long as people are aware of your intentions and you are upfront with them, being selfish does not need to be negative or mean; it’s simply the way you choose to live your life at the moment.

We’ve all been attracted to our polar opposite. It can be exhilarating and intriguing to date someone who has completely different interests from yours. It can even be a learning experience and you may develop an appreciation for some of their hobbies. However, generally speaking, the more similar you are to your partner, the better odds your relationship has for survival. I remember taking a psychology class in college where we filled out a chart regarding basic questions about our partner. The teacher asserted that statistically speaking, the more commonalties you shared with your partner, the greater chance the relationship had to work out. Of course my chart could not have been more different from my boyfriend’s at the time. I have always been one to go against the grain. We are no longer together, in case you were wondering. Anyways, what the teacher was saying made sense and stuck with me. There is less to argue about when you have similar beliefs, similar desires, and similar interests in general. The necessity to compromise is still there, but less so when you are with a person who enjoys the same things as you.

Being single is the best time to meet people, both friends and potential partners, who have similar interests. By discovering your own passions, you are often immersed in a network of people who, to put in simply, understand you. It’s all about compatibility and without understanding yourself, it’s difficult to know who is “right” for you. As children our parents tend to play a major role in who is in our social circle. As an adult, you have the luxury of being in complete control of the company you keep. I’m an advocate for being selective about whom we allow in our lives. Our relationships should be mutually-beneficial.

Time is both the greatest gift you can give to others, as well as yourself. Neglecting your own happiness in an effort to make other people happy is no way to exist. There needs to be balance. People, in my opinion, need to be somewhat selfish to ever truly find themselves. Cultivating one’s strengths requires a degree of selfishness, but in the long run everyone in your life will benefit from the outcome. So, if you’re at a point in your life where you have the capacity to live selfishly , embrace it. Commit to becoming your most authentic self. Remember, this is your journey; you are the captain of your own ship. That is nothing to apologize for.

“That which we manifest is before us; we are the creators of our own destiny. Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves.” – Garth Stein